Prison Song
by Jazzy Raveler
Summary: He's in jail for real...She feels like she is...Sean and Emma are both unwilling prisoners...of love!Between the episode True Colors and whatever one when Sean gets out! It's only a twoshot but, R&R You guys!
1. Her Song

**Author's Note:**

Ok so I swore i wouldn't follow the show but I had to do this songfic! The songs are perfect-I think anyway

And I had already been planning to use them but anyway...This is my version of what happens

With Sean and Emma inbetween True Colors and whatever the episode when Sean get's out is!

Please review guys!

_**Jazzy-Raveler!**_

_**Disclaimer: If I owned Degrassi? I wouldn't have to fill in between the episodes...Sean and Emma would be in every show!**_

_**And if I owned the songs? by Faith Evans and Nickelback? I'd be a lot richer...**_

_**Prison Song...**_

#1

_**Her Song...**_

It's Like 1 in the morning...

Manny's in the bathroom.

She just got off the phone with Craig.

First time he's called in _for_ever,

And he chooses to call at 10, knowing that he and Manny would be on the phone

until like, 3 hours later.

But, whatever.

Me?

I'm just...

Just...

Sitting down on the bed and staring into...

Everywhere.

I just think about everything that's happened over the past 2 yrs.

I cannot believe that Sean Cameron is actually back.

_It's been a long time_

I mean, who would've thought?

Definitely not me. Not in my _wildest_ dreams-and trust me,

They can get pret-ty wild.

But, either way,

Sean Hope Cameron?

The boy who _broke_ my heart,

_Saved_ my life,

And then _left me_ devatasted after it all to pick up the pieces?

He _actually_ came back.

And somehow,

Even though I had a boyfriend-who's name I choose _not_ to mention-,

Even though I thought I was sooooo over him?

Somehow,

Just seeing him,

Just being near him,

Brought back all those old feelings

All those indescribable sensations that I always feel when it comes to Sean.

And I ended up back where I started to begin with...

In love with Sean Cameron.

But then?

Just when I thought that maybe we'd get back together,

And maybe _somehow_ that would make everything alright?

Sean, with his same dumb macho bravado attitude,

Got in some...some street race with P-my ex,

And...

_Hit_ a guy.

Now...he's in jail

And once again, not with me...

And once again?

I'm just praying that he's ok...

_And I hope you're doing fine_

"Em? Your depressing attitude is starting to depress _me_."

Manny says, leaning over onto my shoulder, and side-glancing into my face.

"Huh? Oh. Sorry, Manny. I was just...um…"

"Thinking about Sean, I know. Sorry, Em.

I mean I thought it sucked to have a long-distance boyfriend.

I can't even _imagine_ what it must be like having a boyfriend _in_ _jail_."

Hmmm…

I don't know why,

But I think...

Yeah,

Manny's the first one to say it.

I hadn't really..._defined_ us, but...

I guess, Sean _is_ my boyfriend, isn't he?

I slump over a little.

That "Sean is my boyfriend." thought should make me happier,

Instead, it only depresses me further.

"Em? I'm so sorry sweetie! I didn't me-"

"No Manny, It's ok." I say sitting up straight again.

"I'm fine. I'm just...I'm just...tired, that's all."

Manny looks at me, worried, of course.

She worries about me all the time now.

A little more than I thought possible since Sean's been in jail,

But, finally, she just leans over hugging me.

"Ok. Em, Get some sleep ok? I don't want you up all night..." She yawns wildly-arms stretching and all,

"Wo-rrrr-ying ab-ooouuuttt Seaan. Ah, I guess I'm kinda...sleepy...too..."

She says leaning back into the bed,

And before her words are fully disintregrated into the air,

Her eyes are closed and she's asleep.

That's Manny Santos: cheerleader, best friend, and the fastest faller asleeper I know.

Which is good since I wanted to be alone when I _finally _did this...

_I have to,_ I think, The thoughts are _too_ overwhelming now, to not.

I stand up and make my way through the mounds of mess-

I don't remember _any_ of these clothes, so they _must_ be Manny's-over to my drawer and open it slowly...

Before I know it, I am sitting here at the kitchen table,

A pencil and an open notebook in front of me,

And even though I know what I'm about to write

And to who?

It's kinda hard to put all my thoughts in front of me,

And sort out which ones to write down,

And which ones to save for when he's not behind some bars,

Being slipped a piece of paper with words on it;

But, standing in front of me,

Real, to hold, and love for the first time...

In years...

I shake my head and run my hand through my hair,

As though that'll get those thoughts out of my head.

Since I want it to, it does

And I pick up the pen and stare down at the paper,

_First thoughts first, _I think...

_**Dear Sean,**_

_I just wanted to write you a letter_

_Saying hi, and explaining why_

_Why you mean so much to me_

_Dear Sean..._

_Dear Sean..._

I just can't seem to get any further

I _know_ what I want to write, but I can't exactly...put it into words.

Not into spoken words…

_Or_ written words.

How cruelly ironic is that?

I close my eyes and try to picture Sean.

_13 yr old Sean..._

_14 year old Sean..._

_15 year old Sean..._

But, all I can see is the way he was when I last saw him...

Last week,

When I told him that I didn't raise enough money at the dance to bail him out.

And he joked "I'm gonna be in jail forever."

I smile, but I feel a tear rolling down my cheek too.

The memory is so sweet,

But painful at the same time.

'Cuz Sean Cameron is _still_ the sweetest boy in the world...

But I mean, other than then?

And I mean, a few days before?

I haven't..._talked_-talked to Sean...

Since...

It's been...

Years…

And suddenly?

Everything I wanted to tell him?

_Thought_ I'd have the chance to tell him when I saw him again?

Now that he's in a horrible, depressing jail?

Doesn't seem so important...

_This is dumb!_

I think, on the verge of tears,

_I **can't** write Sean a letter._

_What am I really going to say?_

"_Hi! It's me! How's jail going!"_

_Stupid, Emma!_

I think, getting a little madder and then I stand up,

Pushing the kitchen chair hatefully away from me.

About to walk back down stairs

Then...

Then?...

Then, I remember his face...bruised and scared, but still so beautiful and full of hope.

And then I remember the reason-Well, the fake reason-

Why I ditched school and my soon-to-be ex,

And went to see Sean at his court hearing that day…

Because he _needed_ a friend.

The real reason being that I _couldn't_ not go...

Because he _needed_ _me_.

_Well the reason is plain you see_

And even though I'm a little too emotional to put everything in the right words,

I sit back down, press the pen to the paper, and force the words to form,

Force the tears to spill onto the page,

Knowing, Sean will understand whatever it is end up writing.

_You were always there when I needed you_

_And I wanted to let you know_

_**How is it going? I know how dumb that sounds**_

_**but I hope it helps to know that I do care**._

_**I know it'll help-or maybe I just think, I know**_

_**-if you know that...I miss you. A lot** _

_That looks so desperate,_ I think, sitting back and staring at the words.

_Good_, I think, a smile playing beneath my lips.

I do smile, but still, a tear slides down my cheek,

And I can't help but to think about the "romance of it all",

And the sadness of it all,

And the _depression _of it all,

But still, I manage to wipe away that tear and keep writing.

So much to tell Sean in just one letter...

_You've gotta be strong_

_And it won't be long_

_Cause I'm gonna do_

_All your time with you_

_Promise you I can and I will do_

_Your time with you_

_I'm gonna do your time with you_

_**I wish that...Well, I wish a lot of things**_

**_but I really wish that you were here with me…_**

_**or that I was there with you...**_

_**Well, not so much that second one. **_

_**(picture me laughing at my clever sarcasm). **_

I stare down at what I've written and read it slowly...

_Something's...missing,_

I think.

I mean, I'm writing like...

Like...

Like, I haven't had sooooo much to tell him.

Like everything that happened in the last few days

Is _all_ there is to us,

When I just want to tell him the truth.

_The truth..._

_I always did believe_

I slide the pen across the paper.

And I pause, thinking a moment.

I was about write his name:

_**Sean? There's something I have to say...**_

Or something like that.

But...

It hits me where he is:

Jail.

All alone in that little cell,

When all Sean wanted was to start over,

To get his diploma,

Open his own car shop,

To be with _me..._again.

And I start to cry.

I push the letter away from me

So my tears won't make it a complete runny mess,

And I let them fall, bitterly hating myself more and more as each one hits the table.

_It's **all** my fault!_

I think,

_If I would've just believed Sean when he told me the drugs weren't his..._

_Or just..._

_If I just told my ex the truth..._

_Told myself the truth,_

_That I wanted to be with Sean and not him?_

_None of this would've happened._

And I get even madder, cause I want to just feel sorry for myself,

But…

I can't.

All I can do is think about Sean...

_What is he doing right now?_

I think,

_What if he got jumped again?_

_What if he's sick or something?_

_What if he's crying? _

_Like me?_

I tune back into the kitchen and I stare at my reflection in the moonlit window,

My hair; messy, eyes; teary, and I hate the way I look...

Weak...

I look like _I'm_ the one in jail when _I'm_ not.

Sean _is_.

And writing a letter that's full of me depressed, and sad, and lonely?

It won't help.

I wipe the tears away from my eyes

And slide my hand across the table

Wiping off the tears.

_Gross,_ I think,

Knowing I would normally get a paper towel or something.

But this?

This is more important than tears on a sticky kitchen table,

And I pull the paper back in front of me,

And before writing anything else I think,

_Strong Em, I've gotta be strong. _

Then, I think,

_**He's **gotta be strong._

And my thoughts flow onto the paper.

_**But, Sean, seriously? I know this is no joke. I know it's...bad, ok?**_

_**But you gotta stay strong, ok? **_

_**I can't take thinking that you're not, Alright?**_

_**And, just so you know, I'm trying my best to be strong too.**_

_That our love would be_

_Stronger than the bars you were behind_

_**So...**_

I stop here, not sure what else to write.

Seems like being strong is the only thing that I need to tell Sean, now that I think about it.

_What was I thinking earlier?_

I try to remember.

But my eyes are starting to fill again,

So, I think of better things...

Sean laughing and smiling; I smile

Sean when he gave me those beautiful green earrings; and I smile

But that leads to me thinking about when Sean got kicked out of Degrassi,

For the drugs that he _wasn't_ selling.

And _I_ accused him of it when he wasn't even-; my eyes tear,

_No! no,..._

I think,

_**No** depressing thoughts._

I think and I remember that Peter-Oh, look. I said the ex's name after all-

Peter admitted to putting the drugs in Sean's locker.

And so now,

Now, Sean…

Will be able to come _back_!

Well, that's not depressing

So...

I write it down, filling in the blank line after "**_So..."_**.

_**So...Degrassi is boring as usual; well, a little more boring than usual**_

_**without you there. But, I just keep reminding myself that you'll be back soon. **._

**_And that's not boring. That's actually the best thing I've been able to think about in a long time._**

_**So...I guess, we both have something to look forward to, huh?.**_

_And my heart always seem to find_

_Find a reason to hold on_

_And the purpose to be strong_

I stop and reread what I just wrote.

I smile,

_Ok, so maybe this letter thing **wasn't** such a bad idea_.

But what else to write?

I _know _what else to write

"I love you, Sean."

That's what else to write.

But...

I can't write it,

Just like I can never say it...

Even though he's in jail,

Even though it feels like I'm going to lose him all over again,

I _still_ can't say it.

_Some **girlfriend **I am._

I think, but then I smile and think,

_He knows._

And I nod to myself,

I just know he does…

Why wouldn't he?

_Baby can't you see that I need you_

_And I know that you need me too_

_You've gotta be strong_

_And it won't be long_

_Cause I'm gonna do_

_All your time with you_

_Promise you I can and I will do_

_Your time with you_

_I'm gonna do your time with you_

"Emma?" I hear, and of course my Mommy-Sense kicks in too late,

And I turn around and stare at my mom-AKA Mrs. Christine Nelson-Simpson

AKA Spike-as she reaches up clicking on the light-semi-blinding me, I should add-

and staring at me with concern.

I instinctively cover my eyes with my sleeve

Because of the light,

And because I might have tears in my eyes...not sure.

"Emma? Honey, what are you doing up? It's 2 o clock in the morning."

"Thanks for the bulletin, Mom." I say sarcastically.

I'm not sure why I'm always so short with my mom when I'm feeling...confused,

But I am, and she's used to it.

So even though I wish-just like I always do-

That she'd just leave me to my depressing thoughts, life, and now, letter to my

jailbird boyfriend, she doesn't.-just, like she never does.

Mom walks over to me and sits down in the chair across from me.

"Emma? What are you writing?"

"Just a newspaper article for school."

I say, but not sarcastically; lying, as I slip the letter under my sleeve.

But I'm too late,

Of course.

"Is it a letter?...To Sean?"

She says in a tone that sickens me,

Cause she says it like _she_ could _really_ understand this.

But even though I want to be mad and respond with some extremely mean and sarcastic comment,

I can't and I just say softly, as I slide it from beneath my arm,

"Yeah. It is."

Mom looks at me with that uber-concerned momlook,

And I prepare for her to start off with listing the insensitive-

Although excusable, since it's always due to extreme worry-

Although that makes them _no _less annoying-concerns:

_"Emma? I know your worried about Sean, but I still need you to sleep." _

Or the ever-popular,

_"Emma? Do you want to **talk** about it?"_

But, instead she shocks me by smiling and saying simply,

"That's...that's good Honey. How is he, by the way?"

I stare at Mom and I smile a little,

And my voice wavers a little,

"I'm-I'm not sure. This is actually my first time…writing...him."

"Oh." she says, and then she squeezes my hand tightly.

"Well, make sure to tell him that...Snake and I both I mean, we-we're both hoping he's ok. Ok?"

I smile at her through the relentless tears;

Hands down, the best mom _ever._

"Ok." I say nodding.

Mom goes over to the sink, gets a glass of water

And walks out the kitchen saying softly as she turns towards me,

"Emma? Don't you need the light?"

I think about it for a moment,

I hadn't thought about it before, the fact that I was writing by the moonlight,

_So Romantic_, Manny would say, but I just-I hadn't thought to turn on the light.

I shake my head at Mom, I don't wanna disturb whatever this Feng Shui was.

"The moonlight is...soothing." I say, as though this really makes sense.

"Ok." she says smiling, like that really _does _makes sense,

And then walks out, blowing me a kiss as she does.

I smile and turn back to my letter,

_Thanks Mom,_ I think, since she gave me my next few words...

_**By the way, My mom and Snake? They both said to tell you hi and that**_

_**they're waiting for you to get out too.** **You saw Snake the other day though, right?**_

_**He told me he went to see you. How was he? As, Mr S.ey as usual, right? **_

_**You know, Sean? I've always meant to ask you...?**_

_**Why do you call everyone by there initials? "Mrs H"? "Mr S"? **_

_**What is all that about, Mr C?**_

**_Just kidding. It's cute, it's original (sort of).I guess we can just classify that as one of the many reasons why I love you._**

I stare at the letter and the last three words I just wrote,

And I actually comtemplate leaving them there before deciding that

_This is after all **just** the rough draft._

And crossing through the entire last sentence

And I write instead:

**_I guess we can just classify that as one of the many things that make you…Sean._**

That seems a little dumb compared to what I _had_ written

But, I can't say that...

_Write_ that...

Not yet.

I mean, I can't even take _thinking_ about that right about now.

Cause it's just easier to think that my _boyfriend_ is in jail,

Then to think that my _love_ is locked up…

Unattainable...

_Not yet,_ I think

I won't say-write it just yet...

Not until I know that's he's ok,

That's he's strong enough to deal with seeing it,

That _I'm _strong enough to handle him seeing it.

_You've gotta be strong_

_And it won't be long_

_Cause I'm gonna do_

_All your time with you_

_Promise you I can and I will do_

_Your time with you_

_I'm gonna do your time with you_

I can't think of much more to write and I reread the letter.

It looks...good, I guess.

It's not as emotional or whatever as I thought it would be.

Or as I thought I would be _able_ to let it be.

But it's still...

It's real.

_I **need **real_, I think.

Since the beginning of last year,

A _lot_ of stuff hasn't seemed real to me.

Manny getting kicked out of her parents house and life,

And smackdab into the tornado that is mine.

Manny and her topless video adventures with…my ex

Me; still wanting to date and be with my ex, knowing that he'd done that to Manny.

Snake kissing my ex's mom?

Me and an eating disorder?

Ending up in the hospital?

My entire year was so unreal it's not funny.

At all.

But Sean Hope Cameron?

He always has

And he always does seem...

_Is_ real.

Whether it was real pain

Or real pleasure

With Sean? It was _always_ real...

_He knows that,_ I think

I don't really think I have to write that...

_And I'm writing with sincerity_

_Just to make you understand what you mean to me_

Still it looks unfinished, I decide after scanning the letter again quickly.

So I press the pen to the paper again,

Not sure _what else _to write.

So...

I just write what comes...

_And I can't wait till you come home_

_**It's 2 in the morning Sean, **_

_**And I'm sitting here, with nothing else to write but I can't seem to stop thinking about you.**_

_**I'm sorry I didn't write sooner-like the day after I saw you maybe, but, I just,**_

_But I need you to be strong_

_**I couldn't think of what to say...**_

**_and now that I am writing? I see that…_**

_**It seems like everything I thought I needed to say? You already know...**_

_**You do know, right? **_

_Baby hold on_

_**I sure the heck hope so Sean Cameron, because that's what's keeping me sane.**_

_Ok that's sounds **majorly** desparate_, I think

And then I smile, and think,

_Good._

_Cause I'm down for you_

**_You're what's keeping me sane, Sean. _**

_**Just knowing that you'll get out and we'll be together.**_

**_I mean, knowing we'll be together-together cause, I'm with you already,_**

_**ok? **_

_You know I'm gonna do, _

_I'll do your time for you_

_**However many days, weeks, or months this takes?**_

_**I'll be waiting for you when you get out. **_

I smile at the letter. It feels good to say that

I want to tell Sean that it feels like I'm in jail too.

Stuck here,

Lonely.

Wanting to hold him,

Touch him,

Feel him,

And not being able to...

_I'm gonna do your time with you_

_But that would be a little too depressing,_ I think.

It _is_ a little too depressing, I decide and tune back into the letter.

I guess I have to write something else.

_**So, I just wanted to let you know that, I guess;**_

_**let you know that I'm here for you**_

_**If you need, and I'll be waiting for you when you get out.**_

**_Just remember, that I_**

_I..._

I pause, my fingers and the pen dangling above the paper.

This is the perfect time to write it, I know.

The _perfect_ time.

But I...

I still can't, so I just write,

_**I'm with you.**_

_You've gotta be strong_

_And it won't be long_

_Cause I'm gonna do_

_All your time with you_

_Promise you I can and I will do_

_Your time with you_

_I'm gonna do your time with you_

_No matter what I gotta do_

_I wonder when Sean will get this?_

I think-well, wonder, but you get the picture-

As I pull the letter out my notebook.

And after turning on the light-turns out, the moonlight's not as soothing as I thought.

Just kind of...eye-damaging-

I pull out a clean sheet and I rewrite the letter carefully,

And much less sloppily, inkmarked, and tearstained than the last one...

_You've gotta be strong_

_And it won't be long_

_Cause I'm gonna do_

_All your time with you_

_Well, that's that,_ I think.

As I stare at it a little while; not really reading it

Just...

Thinking about it...the letter I mean,

And the whole dramatic Sean ordeal.

It's so funny to me that I…

I _thought_ I missed him as much as I possibly could when he was only two hours away,

But now that's he's only 20 minutes away?

I miss him more than I ever thought humanly possible.

But, it's not so bad since that's the way it's always been.

Even when we were first dating.

With Sean, it always seems like there's something I'm missing.

Some..._thing_ that if I could just figure it out?

We'd be perfectly happy together for the rest of our lives...

But, I never can figure out what it is.

_Too much to think about_, I think and I just smile,

Suddenly, thinking about the conversation Sean and I had when I went to see him.

And what I gave him,

"Vanilla-Honey Shampoo." as Sean said,

Even though it's actually Honey-Vanilla Shampoo.

And I told him,

"I figured it was the next best thing to actually _being_ with me."

And he said, so sweetly, looking at me in a way that only Sean Cameron ever could…

"_Nothing_ could replace the real thing."

I'm smiling through tears now,

And on an impulse I rub my hand through my hair

And then pat the scent gently over the letter.

Then, instead of thinking of what Sean will think of it,

Or reading the letter over again obsessively,

And adding in whatever my insanely overactive mind would convince me that I _need_ to write,

I just let go of all that insane..._insane_ness,

Letting the last tear drop onto the L on the first word that I write, instead of trying to wipe it away,

And I place the pen against the letter...

And sign it the only way I can...

_**Love Always, **_

_**Emma**_

_Promise you I can and I will do_

_Your time with you_

_I'm gonna do your time with you_

_No matter what I gotta do_


	2. His Song

#2

_**His Song...**_

It's been a week and some days since I saw Emma

3, I think.

It's kinda hard to tell though

But I think it's been 3 days anyway.

"Princess! The line ain't gonna wait for ya!"

I hear some jackass behind me scream and I realize that the line is moving.

I step up to the guy, Jackson, they call him,

"Any letters?" I say huffily.

He looks at me with his baggy, tired, sickly eyes,

"Nope. No letters, no packages, nothing."

And some guy shoves me out the way before I have time to sigh with disappointment.

I thought Emma would've written me by now...

I guess I was wrong.

I keep thinking about her

And the way she smiled at me when I last saw her,

I mean, I thought...

Well, I guess I thought wrong...

Emma Nelson, didn't forgive me.

_**Prison gates won't open up for me **_

_**On these hands and knees I'm crawlin' **_

_**Oh, I reach for you **_

"Any letters Seanny!"

The guy in the cell next to mine,

Benji, says as the prison guard walks me back to my cell.

"Naw," I say simply, shrugging

"Awww! Too bad!" he taunts

And I can almost smell his putrid breath through the bars

As he laughs, cackles loudly, holding his sides,

Starting a chain reaction as the rest of the guys start to laugh too.

"Whatever!" I manage to yell, just before the guard shoves me in my cell.

I sit down on the bed and rub my wrists.

I still have no idea why they put cuffs on me just to go get mail.

I'm not a murderer or something crazy like that.

I...I hit a guy, but he's not dead…

Aand it's not like I did it on purpose!

_Whatever!_ I think, like I always do to get my mind of the shitty stuff.

I look around me at this room; if you can really call it that…

So small,

Feels like it's closing in on me...

I've _always _hated small spaces,

And I close my eyes trying to make myself believe that I'm not in here.

That I'm not in here for _who knows_ how long...

But I've never been too good at pretending…

And all I see when I close my eyes is these same walls…

Dark, rough, hopeless…

Just like…

Me.

_**Well I'm terrified of these four walls **_

My face is getting hot and I rub my eyes roughly

I can tell that I'm about to cry, so I lay down on the bed

Turning my face towards the wall.

I learned pretty quickly in life that crying doesn't do shit for you.

I have no _idea_ what these bastards in here would do if they saw me crying...

I try not to think about it...

I slip my hand under my pillow and pull out a small bottle.

I push it against my wet nose,

And breathe in the scent

_Vanilla and Honey _…

Emma's shampoo…

_Focus, focus, focus,_

I think squeezing my eyes shut.

If I try _really_ hard I can see her...

Feel her…

Her hair…

And that always makes it easier to remember that I _have_ been somewhere else.

I have been _someone_ else…

Whoever the hell I was before I came in here…

The guy they couldn't break…

The guy who_ always_ got back up.

_**These iron bars can't hold my soul in**_

Sean _Hope_ Cameron

Kid who actually had hope...

If it weren't so damn depressing it'd actually be pretty funny to think about...

But when I open my eyes?

I remember that, now?

I'm just Cameron

Prisoner number 208791

Kid who ran over guy

And is paying for it with his sanity.

And the loss of the most important person in the world to him

The tear stings my face and the side of the bottle as it slides down

and I think

_Emma,_

_**All I need is you **_

I don't know what in the Hell is going on!

I thought she'd decided that...

I mean, she broke up with Peter

She gave me this shampoo bottle and said

"I thought it was the next best thing to actually _being_ with me."

And now what am I doing?

Sitting here, with a bottle of freaking shampoo,

Wishing to high hell that I had her…

The real thing…

_**Come please I'm callin' **_

_Emma_,

I think and I slam the bottle against the wall.

Some guy across the way is staring at me through his bars.

"Whhhhhaatttt yyyyaaa dddddoooinnnggggg?"

He wails out all depraved and sickly

His voice turns my stomach.

"SHUT-UP!" I yell

Sick of him already

And sick of this helpless feeling...

No hope.

No…

Emma.

_**And oh I scream for you **_

I sit back against the wall and slam my fist against it.

It's the only thing I _can _do

Even though I feel like I'm going to go _crazy_ if I don't see her soon...

_**Hurry I'm fallin' **_

"Whhhhattttt'ssss Wwwwrronnnggggg?"

The guy says and I just stare at him.

Instead of screaming I start to wonder,

_How long has he been in here?_

_What? Did he go crazy from being in here?_

I hear his sick laughter seeping through the bars and I shiver.

For some reason I start to think about what if he came here when he was young.

Not my age, but younger

Like...14 maybe.

What if he came here for something stupid and juvenile…

Like…beating up a guy or something…

And then, somehow, he just kept finding his way back?

I know a _lot_ of guys like that,

Friends, I guess,

They come to jail and after that first time?

They just can't seem to stay out.

I usta think I'd end up just like 'em.

Usta think I was worthless...

Till...

Until Emma...

_**Show me what it's like **_

_**To be the last one standing **_

_**And teach me wrong from right **_

_**And I'll show you what I can be **_

I lean back against the hard, cold wall

And put my head in my hands...

I was so...

I don't know what you'd call it

I guess I was just plain happy

To be back.

I thought I'd get my diploma,

Open up my shop,

And Emma would be right there

Finally.

I was so ready to stop acting like an idiot

And just tell her already

And have her tell me...

_I love you..._

_**Say it for me **_

I was changed;

I _swear _I was.

It was like...

Being gone for a year and a half?

Something just…

Clicked.

And all of a sudden, I knew

That nothing was worth it...

_Nothing _was worth…

Her...

I was going to give up that whole shitty attitude

So she'd realize that I was worth more than just what i always thought I was...

Show her that I was worth...

Her love...

_**Say it to me **_

_**And I'll leave this life behind me **_

But _maybe,_ I realize

Maybe somewhere in that time

Between that year and everything that happened with us in the little bit of time I've been back?

She _finally_ figured out that I'm _not _worth it.

Maybe she realized That if I was really dumb enough to come back,

Get in a stupid race with that jackass Peter,

And_ hit_ a guy?

Maybe I'm not actually _worth_ her love.

Even thinking this shit is killing me,

And somewhere inside, I find the strength to walk over to the wall, where I busted the bottle,

And I pick it up carefully.

Holding the cracked bottle in my hands, I climb back into the bed

_Emma didn't give up on me._

I think,

_She..._

_She loves me..._

Doesn't she…?

_**Say it if it's worth saving me **_

"Rise and Shine Angels!"

The guy screams and I try to figure out if he hit me in the head,

Or if my head is just throbbing like crazy,

Maybe it's a little of both.

I roll over and stare through these god-damn bars.

He's walking down the hall with his billy stick,

Trying to look tough.

Even though he's too _short_ to be scary,

And too_ fat_ to be dangerous.

He sees me looking at him,

"I said RISE AND SHINE ANGEL!"

He yells and I sit up.

He walks past laughing and as he disappears I laugh too...

_Angel?_ _What a joke!_

I'm _no_ angel.

Never have been, never_ will_ be.

Emma Nelson? _She's_ the angel...

But...

I can't get to her.

Never will be able to, I've finally realized…

I'm not worthy.

_**Heaven's gates won't open up for me **_

I'm sitting in a jail cell,

_Deserve_ to be sitting in a jail cell.

While, Emma…

She's probably in school…

Studying hard…

Being…beautfiul.

Being…

Emma.

Providing some guy, who probably isn't even crossing her mind,

With something to hope for...

Even though he knows...

That he'll never make it.

Even if and when I do get out?

I'll be too messed up to try and deal with her again.

Somewhere in the middle of last night I realized

If I just leave her the hell alone?

Try to forget about her?

She'll be better off,

Able to move on,

And get past the piece of crap that is me;

Cameron,

Prisoner number 208791.

_**With these broken wings I'm fallin' **_

But still…

I can't stop thinking about her...

_**And all I see is you **_

_Toronto, Canada,_

"_City of Dreams"!_

I think as I trudge past the other guys into the cafeteria.

It's funny that I thought I'd be better off here.

And now here I am…

Slurping sludge,

Probably rat crap,

Next to some guy who smells like dead maggots

_Toronto, Canada:_

_Hellhole._

I think,

I'd have been better off staying my ass in Wasaga.

_**These city walls ain't got no love for me **_

_**I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story **_

"Hey! You got a girl or something!" I hear some prison guard guy snorting.

And I look at him; realize he's talking to me.

My heart beats crazy fast.

_Emma's here!_ I think,

_Emma!_ I wanna scream...

_**And oh I scream for you **_

"Yeah! I mean…sort of. She's blonde. Is the girl blonde!"

The guy laughs and his buddy joins in laughing

I get a little angry, but not that much.

Even though I tried to convince myself that she hated me

I guess that little part of me still wanted her to not...hate me.

And I just ask, not even trying to disguise my how excited I feel.

"Emma! Is her name Emma Nelson?"

_**Come please I'm callin' **_

_**And all I need from you**_

"You tell me!" The guy says and his buddy starts laughing again

I frown now, don't mean to but do still.

I have no idea what the hell is so funny and I'm getting kinda tired of this bullshit.

_Emma had **better** be here_. I think...

_**Hurry I'm fallin' **_

"It's _not_ funny, man." I say and the guy stops laughing, looking at me

He smiles a crooked crazy looking smile

"Look Princess, I don't know what the hell you think this is, but I'm trying to be nice to you. So you better just appreciate it."

"Yeah"

His buddy nods and I just stare at them both.

"Is she here or not?" I say and they stare at one another.

Maybe I'm being bold or something,

I don't give a shit

I _need_ to know...

"You got balls." The guy says walking over to me and leaning down staring at me like I'm just so amusing.

I just stare back at him and say,

"Last time I checked."

The whole row of guys

And the guy's buddy, starts laughing and that makes him angry.

"Look, Princess-"

"Cameron!" I say stiffly

I know that I'll probably get some kinda "humanely distributed discipline"-the jail code word for beating the crap outta a prisoner-but, I don't care.

I think I sorta want him to try it actually.

And I wait for him to do something,

Come at me all crazily,

And I ball my fist knowing that if he does, I'm going try and knock the crap outta him.

Instead of trying to "discipline" me, he nods, a weird sort of smile creeps over his face and he says,

"Ok. _Cameron_. You're alright."

He taps his buddy on the shoulder and they both walk away.

I still have no idea what the hell that whole "you got a girl" thing was about.

"What is with that guy?"

I ask anyone.

"He always does that…"

The cruddy looking guy next to me says,

"He's a real sicko, and that's just his way of messing with the prisoners heads who haven't gotten mail."

"Oh," I say and stare down at the rat crap on my plate.

He is sick,

But it worked…

I guess I won't be eating this crud today...

_Emma,_

I think again as I trudge toward the little letter booth,

And that dumb feeling of hope slips back into my mind.

It always does...

When Snake came, it did.

When Jay told me she'd asked about me, it did.

But still…

She's never...

She still hasn't spoken to me

And probably doesn't want to...

But still…

As I turn the corner,

The hope is coming back...

_Emma..._

_**Show me what it's like **_

_**To be the last one standing **_

_**And teach me wrong from right **_

_**And I'll show you what I can be **_

_**Say it for me **_

_**Say it to me **_

_**And I'll leave this life behind me **_

_**Say it if it's worth saving me **_

"Any letters?" I ask and almost walk away before I get the answer since I already know what it'll be.

And I know that if I hear it I might just _lose_ it...

_**Hurry I'm fallin'**_

"Nope. No letters no packages, nothing..."

And I just shrug, like I don't care.

But, he's smiling like he gets some sick joy outta killing us...

With his dumb lifeless words...

_**Say it for me **_

_**Say it to me **_

I stand and stare at him for a moment before turning to walk away.

I walk quickly so that some guy won't shove me, cuz if he does?

This time?

I know I'm gonna shove his sorry ass back.

"Number 208791?" I hear somebody call

And it takes a moment to register that it's the lifeless letters guy...

Talking to _me_.

I turn back around and push my way in front of the other guy.

"What!" I ask angrily, pretty much ready to leap into his booth and choke him.

He stares at me like I'm_ so_ rude and then says, shrugging,

"Letter." and sticks it through the window.

I stare at it for a moment

I see Emma's name and I just...

I can't _really_ believe it.

"LETTER!" he yells and I snatch it.

Feeling like If I don't it might disappear or something.

I sit in my cell and stare at it...

I have no idea why...

It can't do any good to wait any longer

Even if she's telling me that she's breaking up with-

Doesn't wanna_ be_ with me,

Or can't deal with me being in jail...?

It can't do any good just staring at it…

But I mean,

The fact that she even _wrote_ me lets me know...

She still cares enough to tell me.

And just that's enough...

_**And I'll leave this life behind me **_

My hands are shaking a little

But I still manage to rip open the letter

Ready for whatever the hell,

I mean, I _am_ in jail.

How much worse can things get?

_She could tell you she can't deal with you,_

_That she's finally realizing that you're not worth her time_

I think,

Paranoia sweeping over me,

_Ok Cameron, _I think

_Chill out and just read it..._

And I start...

_**Dear Sean,**_

_**How is it going? I know how dumb that sounds**_

_**but I hope it helps to know that I do care**. Hell yeah it helps,_

_**I know it'll help-or maybe I just think I know**_

_**-if you know that...I miss you. **Thank God **A lot**. Yes!_

_**I wish that...Well, I wish a lot of things **Know what ya mean_

**_but I really wish that you were here with me…_**

_**or that I was there with you...**I laugh **Well, not so much that second one. **(I laugh louder and the guy next to me starts screeching)_

_**(picture me laughing at my clever sarcasm). **I picture her, laughing...I love this thought_

_**But, Sean, seriously? I know this is no joke. I know it's...bad, ok?**_

_**But you gotta stay strong, ok? **_

_**I can't take thinking that you're not, Alright?**_

_**And, just so you know, I'm trying my best to be strong too. **I sigh, If I didn't read any more just seeing this would be enough._

_**So...Degrassi is boring as usual; well, a little more boring than usual**_

_**without you there. But, I just keep reminding myself that you'll be back soon. **Good._

**_And that's not boring. That's actually the best thing I've been able to think about in a long time._**

_**So...I guess, we both have something to look forward to, huh?. **Yeah, I think, smiling, We do._

_**By the way, My mom and Snake? They both said to tell you hi and that**_

_**they're waiting for you to get out too. **Emma's parents; Godsends **You saw Snake the other day though, right? **I nod, like she can really see me_

_**He told me he went to see you. How was he? **Better than me **As, Mr S.ey as usual, right? **Mr S.ey? I think laughing at the made up phrase. Emma always says stuff like that. I laugh again._

_**You know, Sean? I've always meant to ask you...?** ( Gulp, What the Hell?)_

_**Why do you call everyone by there initials? "Mrs H"? "Mr S"? **Hhmmm...I never really thought about it._

_**What is all that about, Mr C? **I laugh._

_**Just kidding. It's cute, it's original (sort of).I guess we can just classify that as one of the many things that makes you…Sean. **Only Emma would think that **that **is a good thing. God I love her!_

_**It's 2 in the morning Sean, **_

_**And I'm sitting here, with nothing else to write but I can't seem to stop thinking about you.**_

_**I'm sorry I didn't write sooner-like the day after I saw you maybe, but, I just,**_

_**I couldn't think of what to say... **That's cool._

**_and now that I am writing? I see that…_**

_**It seems like everything I thought I needed to say? You already know...**_

_**You do know, right? **Yeah, I know. I know._

_**I sure the heck hope so Sean Cameron, because that's what's keeping me sane.**_

_**You're what's keeping me sane, Sean. **I'm keeping **you **sane? You have **no** idea!_

_**Just knowing that you'll get out and we'll be together.**_

_**I mean, knowing we'll be together-together cause, I'm with you already, **Hell...she is._

_**ok? **(Ok.)_

_**However many days, weeks, or months this takes?**_

_**I'll be waiting for you when you get out. **_

_I put the letter down and shake my head, Emma's actually waiting for me._

_I hope to hell I'm not dreaming._

_And I feel like crying, but I won't. I have to finish reading..._

_**So, I just wanted to let you know that, I guess;**_

_**let you know that I'm here for you**_

_**If you need, and I'll be waiting for you when you get out.**_

_**Just remember, that I'm with you.**_

_**Love Always, **_

_Reading this, I finally let a tear slither it's way down my face and it hits an already blurry spot right over the word "Love"_

_Did Emma cry when she wrote this? I wonder, but I don't really think about it._

_Like our tears would really hit the exact same spot..._

_**Emma**_

I lean back against the bed

The Vanilla scent of the letter filling up this stinking cell

I'm not sure what the hell to think.

I mean, I feel like I could bust out these freaking walls and sing!

Then I remember I can't sing-definitely can't bust out the walls-and my heartbeat slows up a little.

Instead of busting or singing, I smile, for what feels like the first time in weeks.

I know Emma, she didn't wanna write

"I Love You" cuz she thought it'd be too much.

She was probably right

But still…

I can't wait to hear her say it...

Or even just see that she's smiling and happy to see me.

Even if she just hits me and says something dumb like

"What took you so long Sean!"

It'll be enough.

Since Emma will be the one saying it

Any words from her?

My girl,

_My_ Emma

Waiting on me…

Out there...?

Will be enough.

But I still hope the words will be...

_I love you..._

Sorta gives kid who hit a guy?

Kid who was about to give up…

_Something_

Something_ real_,

To hope for.

**_Say it if it's worth saving me…_**


End file.
